does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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