You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
