Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
