1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
