ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
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