If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
