How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
