Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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