Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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