Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
