the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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