Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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