No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
