It's Friday. Sex?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
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