i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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