not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
