i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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