and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
