nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
