Dual....:-)
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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