I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Randomize
