You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
