I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
