She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
