If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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