dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
