not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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