I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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