the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
