I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
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