I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
