Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
