Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
this beer tastes like vomit already
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
