Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
