For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
