he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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