You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
