My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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