So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
