Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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