even my farts smell like vagina
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I have feelings that need drinking.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
