I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
