So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just gargled with NyQuil
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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