My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
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