did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
