JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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