He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
