I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
