Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
