Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
