i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Couch. On fire.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
