epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Randomize
