Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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