i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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