Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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