I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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