you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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