There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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