my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I came so hard my ears popped.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
