You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
