dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
